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You could have loved but now there is no opportunity. And you never loved enough; nobody ever loves enough. That hurts and creates guilt, that now there is no possibility even to ask his forgiveness, to say, 'I never loved you as I should have. I wasted time, I never hugged you totally, I never held your hand. While the time was there I never sang a song to you. You must have been longing for it, you must have been hungry for it. And who knows? -- if I had loved you, you may not have committed the suicide.' These problems are implied in it: 'Who knows? -- if I had loved the man, he may not have committed suicide? Maybe I am responsible because I didn't love him enough.'
So somehow deep down you can't forgive yourself for not loving him enough.
All these things and many more.... Try to see them, try to understand them. And don't be in a hurry to get rid of your sadness: you have to live it, you have to suffer it. And nothing is wrong in it; it is part of love, friendship, or whatsoever you call it. That's how we come to know, understand, observe, grow. That's how life brings different visions to our minds and how our consciousness ripens. So don't be in a hurry to get rid of your sadness, otherwise it will come again and again. Just let it go in a natural way; let the time pass. Don't do anything. When you feel like crying, cry, and when you feel like being angry, beat the pillow, shout at [him] and have a good encounter with him. He will not be answering from his side, but you can still do it; you will be alone but it will still be helpful.
But let it pass naturally, on its own; just time is needed.
And don't do anything. You can do many things: you can change the flat, mm? -- then he will not be remembered, but then something will linger. You can make another friendship, fall into another great love and replace this one. But then something inside you will always feel guilty, will always remain sad and it will remain like a poison. Don't be in a hurry! Time heals: time is a great healer, and one should not disturb the process, one should not speed it up in any way.
It hurts, so it hurts! Naturally you are sad. Don't make a problem
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