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on, I hold back.... I don't want to hold back so much, that's what I mean.]
That is a different thing. First drop this idea of surrendering. You surrender to love, she surrenders to love -- there you will meet. But she is not surrendering to you and you are not surrendering to her, so you cannot say to her that you have surrendered, now she should surrender -- that game cannot be played.
You cannot dominate through surrender and she cannot dominate through surrender, because you are both surrendered to love. Now, there is no way to dominate love. You are surrendered to something higher than both of you -- that is the meaning of 'god of love'.
The very myth, that there is a god of love, is beautiful, it is a tremendous understanding. Then two lovers can surrender to the god and they remain independent. And when you are independent there is beauty -- otherwise you become just a shadow or she becomes a shadow.
If she becomes a shadow she will never be able to forgive you -- because who wants to become a shadow? If you become a shadow you will never be able to forgive her. If she becomes a shadow, in that very moment you will start losing interest in her -- who loves a shadow? If you become a shadow she will start losing interest in you. We want to love real human beings, not shadows.
So the first thing, very basic: don't think in terms of surrendering to each other. How can you surrender to each other? That is not the question at all -- -forget about it, but both surrender to love. Then you cannot say anything to her and she cannot say anything to you and there is no need to become anybody's shadow: you remain yourself, she remains herself. In fact, by surrendering to the god of love you become authentically yourself and she becomes authentically herself.
You are never as authentic as when you become authentic for the first time. Two authentic beings can love and can love deeply... and then there is no need to hold back.
In fact, why are you holding back? There is some fear that if you don't hold back, if you give all, she will dominate -- then you have nothing else to give. So we give only in parts... we keep the carrot
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