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When you are here a great fear is bound to come one day or other. That indicates that now you are coming closer to me. So on one hand it is a happy phenomenon; on the other it is very confusing because then the mind starts finding ways to escape from here. You are on that boundary line where a decision has to be taken. The mind hesitates, and the hesitation is natural. Nothing wrong about it; it is not a sin. Don't feel guilty about it.
It is confusing, because your whole past pulls you back. And the future is insecure: you cannot be certain about it, about what is going to happen. You may lose your past, and you may not even get something in the bargain, hence the fear. This is one part of it.
The other part of it -- a great desire to go into the unknown -- will arise too. The adventurer will start raising its head and it will say 'It is worth it; the risk has to be taken', because even if the past is secure, comfortable, what have you gained out of it? It has become a dull kind of routine; you are moving in a circle. You will do those same things again. Even if they are pleasant, they are boring.
You can find a woman, another woman, another woman, and you know it is pleasant but soon it wears out, soon the agony sets in and you feel bored. And it is the same woman you were so thrilled by it was such a great challenge! In fact, the moment you have possessed the woman, the woman is finished, because the whole excitement and ecstasy was in possessing her, in conquering, and now you have conquered her. And now the same games, whether they are of sex or love or money or... and one goes on and on and one gets more and more fed up. So you know that too!
So both these things are there -- the fear of losing the past and the excitement of losing it and entering into something new -- hence the hesitation, hence the confusion. But my suggestion is: this time you have to go, otherwise you will remain stuck at this point. This time you have to go -- that will teach you many things.
With this going back, with this experience of going back, you will be really finished with the past because you will see the futility of it. And you
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