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is the definition of health. An ill person cannot lose that awareness. If your leg is hurting you will be aware; if your stomach is in a cramp you will be aware. If your body is tired you will be aware. If your body is perfectly healthy you will forget all about the body. So awareness basically is awareness of the negative.
Man has awareness, so the first awareness that happens to man is of the negative. The second awareness has to be attained -- that is of the positive. That is something to be earned; it does not happen of its own accord. And there is a third awareness which is beyond both: that is buddhahood.
Animals are not aware; their awareness is zero. Man is aware but the awareness is negative. Then there are happy people, cheerful people -- their awareness is positive; that has to be earned. Very few people come to that. And even more rare is the third, where positive and negative both disappear. One simply is -- neither sad nor happy, just calm and quiet and cool.
Awareness is the natural state of humanity; that is where you are. Don't make much fuss about it -- everyone is at that point. If you make much fuss about it, it becomes more difficult to get out of it. Rather than focussing your whole attention on it, try to find ways to get out of it. Whatsoever makes you happy, do it! And don't be in any way inhibited.
My feeling is: because your love affair has dwindled, you are focussed on sadness and you are not gathering enough courage to move with somebody else. You go on clinging, you go on hoping, but the relationship has dwindled. And once a relationship has fallen flat it is very very difficult to help it to stand again. At the most it can walk but it will walk on crutches; it cannot dance. It is a broken mirror; you can glue it together but it can never be the same again. But there is no need to be worried, because so many other mirrors are available.
So the real problem is there. And there you are afraid -- you are even afraid to move with somebody, to fall in some love, afraid that then you will lose [your husband] forever. So you are stuck. That is your choice. Love will make you a little happier than you are,
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