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It is your shadow; it is bound to agree with you. But you have destroyed a beautiful experience that may have led you into new spaces.
Let this fear which has no object become the object itself. Don't ask why -- why you are afraid. This is a wrong question. Ask 'What is this fear?' Ask what it is not to find an explanation but to go deep in it: What is this fear? 'What' is the right question.
And don't be prejudiced from the very beginning that 'fear is wrong', 'it should not be'. If you have that attitude you will not be able to enter into its innermost core. With no judgment enter into it and experience it in its totality, and you will be surprised -- it is just the beginning of a new space in you. And everything new makes the mind scared: the newer it is, the more fear. If it is absolutely new then one is really scared to death.
Something unknown is hovering around you, and it is going to hover around every sannyasin. This is the fear every sannyasin has to pass through. And I am not here to give you explanations but to push you into it. I am not a psychoanalyst -- I am an existentialist. My effort is to make you capable of experiencing as many things as possible -- love, fear, anger, greed, violence, compassion, meditation, beauty, and so on, so forth. The more you experience these things, the richer you become. Everything has to be experienced. When you have experienced all possible experiences, you mature, you transcend. By knowing all, one goes beyond. That beyond is tao or god or nirvana.
So make this fear your meditation. And the mind will ask again and again 'Why? What are you afraid about?' Don't listen to this question; that question is dangerous. That leads you into more and more verbal explanations; it is a camouflage, a distraction from the fear. Just go into fear itself, with great love for this experience. If trembling arises, tremble; if you feel shaken, then shake. There is no need to hide it. Don't condemn yourself, that you are a coward; these are the tricks the mind plays. And the society which has made you very much of an expert in these things, immediately condemns something: 'You are a coward. Why are you trembling?',
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