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Your mind is saying, "No, stop!" Your heart is saying, "Everything that is happening is a gift -- the very gift that I needed to grow. A sense comes that all is possible. Thank you, Beloved One."
Two different layers, two different planes of your being -- the head and the heart -- are both expressed in your question. A part of you, the superficial part which is afraid of death -- the ego, the mind -- is crying, begging, "Stop!" It is because of this superficial plane of your being that you have been escaping again and again from here. Of course, the mind is very cunning and it tries to find excuses. If there aren't any, it can invent; it is very capable of managing. It can create illnesses in the body so that you don't blame the mind. What can you do?
This has been happening to Amitabh for at least three years continuously. He comes, he comes with great love, and then the mind starts playing tricks. And the mind has been playing a really subtle trick on him: each time he comes he starts losing weight, and naturally a point comes when he becomes afraid of losing so much weight that he has to go back.
This is a mind trick. If you become aware of it this time, the mind will not be able to do it. And the excuse is such that nobody can blame you, you cannot blame yourself. It is natural: when the body starts losing weight you have to go.
There is no visible reason why his body should lose weight, because Amitabh remains a vegetarian in America and here too he is a vegetarian. Even people who are nonvegetarians in the West and who come here and become vegetarians don't lose weight. So a vegetarian coming to India will not lose weight; there is no reason. The doctors cannot find any reason at all. It is something in the mind; it is a trick of the mind, a subtle strategy.
And the mind has to be very subtle, because Amitabh's love for me is tremendous. But as the moment of death comes close the mind freaks out. And Amitabh will not listen to the mind, hence the mind has to take support from the body. And the body always follows the mind. If the mind wants to create a certain illness, the body simply has to submit to the mind, surrender
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