| |
says: Oh, I'm such a mess!... I'm ashamed of myself and I don't know what to do.]
Do you enjoy it or not -- this being in a mess? My feeling is that you enjoy it! Not really... not really?
Then you can drop it -- there is no problem. Why carry it ? A subtle enjoyment must be there... otherwise you are such a happy person. My understanding about you is this -- you may try to prove it wrong, but my understanding is that you are a happy person.
[She asks: But why am I doing it, why am I trying to hurt myself? Can't somebody try to help me to understand it?]
Yes, I will help you see why you are doing it. There are many things.... Firstly, for your whole life you have been repressing your happy quality. Basically you are a happy person.
[She says: I was a happy child -- I think so.]
Yes, you must have been a happy child and you can be a happy old woman -- there is no problem in it. It is just that your whole life you have tried to repress it -- reasons must have been there, situations must have been there, but you have repressed it. Now, that repression has become almost automatic, it works on its own. Unless you try to drag yourself, it is difficult to get out of it... but naturally you are a happy person. When I received your letter I was surprised, because my understanding about you from the very first day has been that you are a very happy person. I would like you to become part of the ashram -- I like your quality so much.
When I received your letter I was surprised because this must be then just a mechanism that you have gathered through your life. I know you have suffered, I know you have been in sad moments, it has been a nightmarish life -- but it is past... you can get out of it! It is just habit that gets on your nerves again and again. A little understanding -- that it has to be dropped, it is no more, it is irrelevant: those people are gone, that husband is gone, that life is gone; you are finished with it. That person that you used to be is no more.... You are a new person, a sannyasin! Start from ABC -- laugh like a child, start thinking of yourself as a child. Play around!
... It will come! I know
|
|
|